SO after having this account for so many years...I have thought about finally getting rid of it. How many people in who read this will be upset?

Don't know exactly what to post for tonight. I'm slightly tipsy. And no I wasn't that way before I got home. I just caught up with the bunch who was having a drunken orgy in my apartment when I got back from visiting with my family.

Fun times.

I'm slightly down. I need a hero. Metaphorically speaking. So far no one has taken the position to truly take every last dark part of me as a part of who I really am.

I think I'm slowly falling into a darkness that will finally consume my phoenix, and smother the immortal fire. But I don't know if it will really happen or not. I have my little lives that I must live for. Plus a promise I vowed never to break because I told this one girl...woman that I'd never go into a darkness that she could not follow me into. It is the one promise I intend never to break as I slowly lose my sanity to my own paranoia. Or as another beloved woman in my heart said to me...that I live to be unhappy. Am I truly that way? I will never know. All I know is those I love leave me when I need them the most. And I do not verbal explain it fully. Then again I grew up learning that weakness is not an option. Stoic. Not so. The wall I have are crumbling so badly. And I might have to turn to someone I should not have to because...like I said...no one could be that one to support me as I fall. I'm either too unstable or one that should not be worried about.

I am once was called a coward. Perhaps I am. I am however in poverty and chose to live as such because my live will not yield anything good. I will establish relationships with people who I mark as my beloveds. I will love countless people. But I will blink out unknown, and not fought for because they cannot fight for a living corpse.

I wonder at times. Is it the undying passion in my being that keeps me going. Will no one save me from what I am? And what am I? Just some sad unhappy girl destine to nothing but agony only brought on by wanting to love what no one else can because it is truly beautiful. To love at all. I had heard once that I live to be loved. I live to love. That I am sure. But I need an equal or a greater to love me in return. I have met maybe one such person, but I cannot accept them due to my sexual preference.

So I do not know. I do not know. I just don't. I shall sully myself instead.


There was a point I would have left everything. All I had to hear at that time was yes. Just that.

Sad girl...just die inside me and leave me alone. Leave it all behind and wake up tomorrow not knowing or caring. Go back to the life without morals. Return to the drunk. Return to pointless endeavors and bleed the heart out. Just die.

Die and be no more at all. I want freedom from my mind. I want to be saved so badly. But a hero has no hero. A protector cannot be protected. I cannot be saved until my end. I hope it will be soon. I hope I die horrible. Painfully. Through that I can repent all. To whatever higher power there is. I can be free only in that moment.


So I will continue. I will go on and save and be not saved because it must be.....

Something greater. something better.

just something other than this nothingness.

1. Lifting weights with a sore body.

2. Going from one job to the next.

3. Chaining smoking while sick.

4. Letting your pets rule your life.

5. Letting a little bit of depression destroy your life.




Okay enough numbering. I've been working none stop since my tiny vacation to Atlanta, GA. Needless to say I went into work yesterday early because I had nothing else to do. So I came in one hour ahead of schedule just to be of some help. HOLY FUCKING GOD!!!! Why did everyone and God want espresso-coffee-unholy caffeine drinks at the same time. Within a rush of four hours. Yeah a FOUR hour long rush we had made over 3000 dollars for that night. We went over quota for the day. However the stress drove my dear roommate who also works me into a lockjaw stress. And he had a panic attack after we sent him home. ALSO because me and my co-worker Micheal had been labeled as messy workers we decided to make sure the WHOLE store got done up right. So we close at the right time (2am) and start our massive task of restocking everything. Somewhere around 5:18am in the morning I reach my car. By the time I got back to my apartment the sun was just below the horizon. So I lay down on my bed for about 30 minutes or so. Blaze makes the lovely hairball sounds. I rush over. Scruff her and drag her to an area I don't really mind her hairballing on. Then decide. "Oh well...I'm up. Fuck sleeping for two hours. I might as well go take and shower and get ready for the day because I haven't been to the lab in an entire week. Got to make up for lost time. ~_~ In all honesty working nine hours will probably kill me but. I worked a 12 hour shift already what's another 9 hours. It should be fun because I intend on drugging myself at 5pm when I get home and I'm sleeping until thursday. I need the money that badly. Isn't it sad. But I have a plan of sleeping at the lab so maybe luck will be on my side. Maybe it won't. Where are my happy days?

I wish I wasn't a terrible prideful girl, but I will try and not mooch off of my parents. I'm turning 25 in a couple of weeks. Good god I used to be so good at taking care of myself. I guess it's not that easy when you indirectly support a friend for awhile. Good grief. I'm not complaining about that. We do crazy things when we love someone unconditionally. And I can say I really do love that kid unconditionally. Damn me and my big heart. I hope he's okay. Hell I don't even know if he's home. Hmmm I could head off to work now. Or just hang out at Caribou. LOL That sounds like a plan to me.


YAY no life! Yay! Sleep deprivation. GO ME. GO TEAM DISNEY!! don't ask.

My champion of my heart does not exist. There is no savior for fools of sin. There is warped curse drowning my soul. Embracing me to the very end. And death shall not ease the pain caused by beauty's lashings. Bitter sweet to love blindly. Running to save those who will not turn around when you fall. asking the world to roll off your back for just a second. To love arrogance strongly and something no one could attempt.

I will stop eventually and the shell will go on for me so I can die inside completely.


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just a little creative writing for tonight. pride was great. though in all honesty I felt like a bitter single lesbian. i work too much and i'm too poor to care. What money I had I spent it on a vacation with friends. time to sleep on my soiled bed. don't you love cats....i unfortunately do.

so it is somewhat odd the choice I have made. Daunting at best. I dropped out. Mmmm what to do from there because I don't really know. Still have two jobs. Joy